i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
