Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
