Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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