I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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