the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
