So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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