I got chris browned last night
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
