i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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