also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
