life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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