I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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