bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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