Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
