U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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