Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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