i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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