1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
