if you like me you must not know who I am
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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