I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's never too late to be topless.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
