glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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