So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
