If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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