ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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