Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how does that bad decision feel?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
