when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize