Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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