Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize