i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
