So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Welp...herpes.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
