are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
