I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This baby is an asshole
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
