I just cut my nipple shaving
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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