Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
