ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
