I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
