Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
