my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
