my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
