She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
