Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
