just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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