I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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