Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
