my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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