I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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