I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
