come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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