I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
