I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
