My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
