Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
