she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
