Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
