your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
