this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
