dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
