i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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