i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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