Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
